Monday, December 14, 2009

i suck at blogging !

Ok, im starting to worry that you have forgot me or no longer love me - whats the deal-

well I still love you .. So you have to go on listening to me blabber on about this that and whatever it is that I may think you want to know about me and me related things recently!
First I passed my class!
I passed my state exam
I also passed my national exam...!
Yay me! - Im going to assume you are also yaying !- so thanks.... loves ... hugs big bear ones ( the ones that it’s hard to breath those are the best)

so now get to do a bunch more at work, I thought this would be fun .. it is but really it has put a kink in my antiproductive work ethic - lol - just kidding I promise , im good they like me- if they didn’t they would fire me .. That they have not done!

I like that I get to-do allot more clinical care now, IVs, pushing drugs, and contrast... i even do a bubble studys they are wicked strange i dont like the idea of pushing air into some ones artery but who knew... its a great tool for echos.. it still makes me cringe... it’s just not right, ughhh-

daron got a new job- he is loving it working all the time, still a paragod but now bosses everyone around all the time.. great for his ego, he is actually doing super well im so proud of him I miss him like crazy he is gone allot more but I think that this is what is best for him and our family. Family meaning me and the dog.......

tonight is the first snow of the season; it is beautiful it has been super cold though ungodly cold! I plan on writing mr.frost a very strongly worded letter!
Everything has been super busy, darons mother was here (I think she made hell freeze over and that why it’s so damnn cold here) - I almost didn’t make it she was here forever... in laws should come with carfax!
Tasha was here for awhile.. moose was in his cello concert it was amazing im so proud of him he has grown so much he is taller than me and daron!

its been a rough time off and on though, I was going through year books and boxes from highschool and found a letter that nate wrote me, I thought I had been doing pretty good it was like some days I still felt like everything was ok , but other days with no warning or cue I just feel like someone has kicked me square in the chest and all my air is gone and my heart sinks deep into the pit of my stomach, Its like im 15 years old sitting there next to him and then he is gone, and I am alone no matter how many people are there around me.. daron and all my friends are trying so hard to support me but some days I just can’t help but burst into tears , I can’t imagine a world that my best friend isn’t in, I can’t imagine where I would be had he not always been there for me... it’s like the world should just be frozen in place. I think about the fact that im 21 years old ... 21! I have a house a husband a really good job , but when it comes down to it, I have so much left to learn so many things to do still some days I wake up just excited about what the day holds... im just a kid and so was He.. that is the feeling that knocks my heart from my chest the feeling that he’s never going to get to do the things im doing, and He was gonna do so much, he had such a big heart He was bright and filled with life .always took care of me - he walked me to every class my freshman year . I wrote in my diary when I was 11 that nate was the first boy I ever loved , he was also the first boy who ever told me he loved me the funny thing was, I kissed him one time we were 13(took me a few years to work up the courage) and we both said YUCK YUCK never agian – I know right?? (Some friendships are just meant to be) but from that point on he was always there for me always by my side. when Tim and my mom used to fight we used to lay on the roof and watch the stars , he was the one who helped me move outof their house he always believed in me i moved out got a job and look at me know thanks to him.I thought I was so much braver than I am I don’t feel brave at all anymore.
I got so scared and I never got to say goodbye and feel like I failed him.
It’s so strange, to think of all the things we did together all the things he taught me, I guess I just always thought hed always be there. Always a call away with some great idea or funny joke to make the world seem more bearable..
I am so blessed I have a beautiful life and a husband I love so very much.. But I don’t even know how to begin to explain what I felt I lost. Nate and I knew everything about each other and he always said it was gonna be ok, and then made sure it was. There was also so much comfort in knowing I had that kind of friend, the one I could say anything to that I knew how to comfort or cheer up the friend who I helped or who helped me escape to were ever it was we wanted , needed to be . I have never had anyone else like him in my life … he was just my best friend.
I felt our souls were so kindred, with so so many years of memories and laughter… he was just my best friend.
I guess I just don’t know where you go from there..

I love you.

1 comment: