Chaos and calm

Chaos and calm


I have to warn you before you read this blog that it is a mixture of many things none of which achieve anything mostly venting and self pity bare with me as I unload the most inner mush from my physicie(<- poor spelling forgive me scrabble gods)

We are still in Alaska and the sun still shines we spend quiet evenings reading, or talking with darons mother, aunt and members of the cult (BEING THAT THERE IS NO TV AND WE MUST FIND THINGS TO FILL OUR DAYS ) Its strange the way things just carry on everyone just whispering about the condition of Irene talking about arrangements and time. We went to the funeral home with darons mom to make arrangements.
its odd the silent pain that comes along with the acceptance of death , cancer is a funny thing so common we all know someone who has been affected, who has lost the battle or is still fighting the great fight . we have almost become numb to the crippling disease and the lives it takes, shit happens right.

Watching someone except death is strange , I feel guarded being that everyday I go to work treat people some who are just beginning their struggles with health others who pray for a day they are not in anymore pain they all have different names different story’s yet they blurr together and the sadness never really seems to stick with me I usually find a way to make them laugh listen to their stories, smile and go on with my day.

Being in the center of the day to day struggles is a kind of calm chaos I wish on no one Irene had fluid drained off today and she was whipped of energy just as if they sucked the life out of her right along with the fluid , her smile is slightly dimmed and her eyes slightly clouded but the day continues , with laughter and company.


Today I found out that my grandfather has cancer of the lymphoma. He was hospitalized this weeK. my mother just called to give us the news, my grandfather has a severe fever and is having flash backs to world war II as my mother softly explained the situation and the diagnosis echoing in the background was the sounds of grampa Curts moans. Shortly after getting off the phone with mom my step father Tim called his voice quivered and was raspy from crying he just needed someone to talk to and make sure we were getting home soon. I reassured him we would be home on Sunday told him we would call the fire dept. let them know he wont be there and he seemed to calm down.

The talk of chemo and options the panic fear and desperate grasps at options such a stark change from the bitter calm relief of surrender that daron and his family is going through

My heart is being pulled in so many directions watching so many people I love hurt…. And to comfort people at the very most opposite ends of the struggle.


Is truly a inner chaos I have never known.